Here is the initial program line-up for THE CYCLOPS NETWORK:
DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS – Shooting sport programs are always popular on cable, but this has the potential of attracting female non-shooting viewers as well.
Each hour will begin with a short documentary on a precious deer invading someone’s yard with tender footage of Bambi nibbling on an apricot tree. At this point, each deer will be given a name, age, and weight, along with a heart-warming family history to personalize it.
The footage will then be followed by a similar item on a Division of Wildlife sharpshooter (name, age – maybe not his weight) with the rest of the episode showing the hunter tracking the deer through the backyard for the ending kill.
The movie “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They” was a successful film back in 1969, giving this TV show a leg up on moving to the big screen as well. Deer, crying children, the sound of gunfire – emotion, drama, and action all in one!
MAULING – Since World Wrestling Federation and Ultimate Fighting bouts consistently rank high in cable television ratings, the Cyclops Network will program a weekly hour of LDS Church basketball.
You’ll still have posturing, leering, and sharply thrown elbows, and bloody lips, along with sanitized grunts like “Flip” and “Snap.” Put a cage around the cultural hall floor and watch the ratings soar.
UTAH’S TOP CHEF – The Utah version of the popular cable reality series will pit a panel of local chefs competing to produce intricate Utah delicacies. As an example, the chefs will be given a box containing nutmeg, fresh salmon, oatmeal, and cream cheese – and then instructed to make a jello salad using all of the ingredients.
Episode Two might entail the baking of a Mormon Muffin using the ingredients found in “funeral potatoes” or a casserole using venison from DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS. Extra points will be given to the chef who can successfully pair meals with caffeine-free diet Coke.
THE REAL POLITICIANS OF CAPITOL HILL – As a take-off on the popular cable “Real Houseviews” series, this will show the bickering, the backroom dealing, and the emotional rigors of getting bills passed in the Utah Legislature.
The first episode has already been shot: Sen. Dan Liljenquist’s attempt to remove Sen. Mike Waddoups as Senate President ending with Sen. Liljenquist being shunned at the next legislative gala and talked about over root beers at Pace’s.
GLEEFULLY OURS – Since Utahns have performed well on “American Idol,” this show is a no-brainer. Have Utah glee clubs compete and be judged by an irascible panel comprised of David Archuleta, Gladys Knight, and a grumpy Rocky Anderson. Let the sparks fly and the songs soar!
You have to admit, the Cyclops Network sounds a lot more entertaining than 90 percent of the fluff on your regular channels. We’ll give Oprah a run for her money.
The views expressed in this column are the opinion of the writer and not necessarily those of the ownership or management of this newspaper.