Is it hot in here?

In the near future it should be much easier for us to keep our heads in the sand about climate change, mostly because the entire earth will be a desert.

Hundreds of scientific organizations worldwide are convinced that human-caused global warming needs to be addressed ASAP, but many people still don’t believe in climate change. It’s not a fairy, people. You don’t have to believe in it and clap your hands really fast in order for it to be real.

A Gallup poll earlier this year shows Americans are finally warming to the idea of climate change, with nearly 70 percent agreeing our wasteful habits are destroying Mother Earth. It’s about @$#& time!

With gas-guzzling vehicles, energy draining habits and the entire city of Las Vegas, it can’t be a coincidence that levels of atmospheric carbon dioxide have skyrocketed since WWII. Those rising pollutants trap the earth’s heat and slowly cook the planet like a Sunday dinner rump roast.

Warming ocean temperatures create stronger hurricanes, more dangerous tropical storms and tornadoes filled with sharks! Glaciers in Alaska are shrinking, not from global warming but because people use so much ice in their gallon-sized soft drink mugs. (As a creepy sidebar, bodies frozen in glaciers for centuries are being discovered and could possibly bring back old-timey diseases.)

Polar bears are applying for refugee status, hoping to be relocated to Bemidji, Minnesota, where they can integrate into a similar society. Arctic seals and Antarctic penguins are losing their homes as sea ice melts. So if you’re looking for a rescue animal, there’s a couple of really cool options.

Inexplicably, President Trump is convinced global warming is a mocktastrophe created by Bill Nye the Science Guy and Neil DeGrasse Tyson to keep him from using aerosol hairspray. (“Inexplicably” is a word I’ve used a lot with the Trump administration.)

Trump’s decision to step away from the Paris climate agreement and reinvigorate the coal industry is a big middle finger to planet Earth. His stance is not just embarrassing, it’s potentially disastrous. (FYI to the Prez: Nuclear war is very bad for the planet.)

In fact, Trump is convinced the whole global warming rumor was started by the Chinese to make the United States less competitive. I don’t think the earth’s possible annihilation was Made in China, and sponsored by Nye and Tyson, in order to pull off an elaborate hoax.

In the background, Al Gore silently weeps as we continue burning fossil fuels, throwing away tons of garbage and cutting down rainforests, which are basically the earth’s lungs.

Well, that’s depressing.

So what do we do now? First, we go to Hogwarts, borrow Hermione’s Time-Turner and travel back to the 1950s to warn people about the imminent dangers of global warming. Because people always believe time travelers.

If that doesn’t work, we vote for leaders who support effective climate legislation. We buy energy-efficient cars and appliances. We recycle, we compost our table scraps and eat locally grown foods. We walk more. We turn off lights. We support organizations working on solutions.

This one’s on us, folks. We can only do small things, but if we all do small things—that makes a big thing. And if you still don’t believe in global warming, I don’t really care. Once the world burns up like a marshmallow in a campfire, you won’t be around to judge me.

 

 

 

 

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