My Stint as Trump’s Press Secretary

After a series of columns on serious matters, I intended to “cool off” this summer with a more light-hearted topic.  Well that will have to wait until next week! 

This week I had a dream. I had been appointed Pres. Trump’s press spokesman, and, fearlessly, I stood behind the microphone for my first press briefing. 

PRESS:  With the firings and tweets, this has been a rough week for the President.  Do you agree that people are losing faith in him and increasingly see him as incompetent? 

CYCLOPS:  No, incompetency means that he first knows what he is doing.  Pres. Trump is not responsible for all the mayhem in Washington D.C.  Listen, some people even think he is mentally ill – and if that is true, he can’t be legally responsible for anything he says…or tweets.

PRESS:  But what about the foul moth exhibited by his newly hired/recently fired communications director?  Do you support this type of indecent language?

CYCLOPS:  You call that indecent?  We call it direct talk to the American people.  Pres. Obama used large words, and frankly, most of our supporters don’t know what they mean.  So we have instituted a two-syllable rule – no big words and a preference for phrases understood by your typical 8th grader.

PRESS:  So you are saying it is ok to use vulgar sex terms?

CYCLOPS:  Yes, as long as Planned Parenthood isn’t involved.

PRESS:  How do you respond to criticism of his political comments to the Boy Scouts gathering?

CYCLOPS:  What did you want him to do?  It’s pretty boring if all he did was stand up and talk about pinewood derbies.  Oh, and incidentally, he loved the Girl Scouts too.  He never passes up the chance to seat one of their cookies.

PRESS: Republican congressmen and senators are increasingly concerned about Pres. Trump’s tweets and …..

CYCLOPS:  They should stop worrying about his tweets and spend more time keeping John McCain in line.  That last thing this country needs is a non-partisan thinker.

PRESS:  What is the President going to do about North Korea?

CYCLOPS:  If the Chinese won’t intervene, the President will take strong action. He’s already stopped North Korea from exporting its large potato crop to the U.S. and his is planning a strategy session with Dennis Rodman.

PRESS:  Huh?  North Korea doesn’t grow potatoes for the U.S.

CYCLOPS:  You’re spreading fake news…I only have time for one more question.

PRESS:  Pres. Trump’s approval rating is at an all-time low.  Do you think some of that is due to his support of a health care plan which would deprive some 20 million people of health insurance?

CYCLOPS:  Good question!  It’s quite simple.  Most of the Americans who will lose their health insurance didn’t vote for Trump.  Thus, if these American die due to not having insurance, the percentage of Trump supporters will rise.  If enough sick and uninsured Americans pass away, the President will have a 70% approval rating.  Thank you for your questions.  I’ll be back in several days giving America great answers again. 

The opinions stated in this article are solely those of the author and not of Iron County Today.

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